August: Dog Days of Summer

Friday, August 2, 2013

Dinner

First: Hello again! I seem to have lost steam on the blog posts. I think I hit a wall when it came time to get to the "meat" of my story. I promise, I will get back to that story. I need to approach it in an easier way, rather than trying to piece the exact events back together from a mountain of notes and medical records. It was too daunting a task, and I panicked and fled.

One thing that has kept me very busy these months, has been Irish dancing. I did start lessons along with Sophie, in January. Alex has also joined in the fun- we're the Irish dancing Von-Trapp family performers! I have found that dance class has become a kind of therapy for me. I look forward to our weekly class all week, and leave after 2-3 hours of grueling hard work, absolutely on top of the world. It's seriously addictive. Sophie and I participated in our first feis (pronounced "fesh"), in February. Sophie got a second place for her light jig, as did I. The two of us also did a mother-daughter two hand jig, and tied for 3rd. It was so very gratifying. How often in life do we, as adults, get a chance to work hard at something and perform, much less compete? I mean, unless these are things you actually DO for a living. So we've been practicing hard, I started in hard shoes rather quickly, and now know all of my beginner solo dances. Alex decided he wanted to start dancing as well- and he loves it. But wait- here's the bummer. I have been battling terrible shin splints. Staying up on our toes is killer on the calves. While I was compensating for painful shins in my right leg, a toe on my left foot starting hurting. Which turned into my whole left foot hurting. Alot. To the point where I was having trouble even walking on it. I could tell something was not right, so I went to see the lovely Dr. Pacheco (yes, I do have a bit of a crush on him) yesterday, who showed me on the x-ray exactly how and where my stress fractures are located. Divine. So now I'm wearing the medieval torture device known as "the boot" for 6 weeks, and I'm not allowed to do any dancing. I go back for another x-ray in September. The upside is that we are on a break from dance class anyway until September. But I'm not allowed to practice in that time. Sad clown face, big time. Even walking/ jogging on the treadmill is out of the question. I guess I can do the bike machine? And now comes the serious watch-what-I-eat time, so I don't just gain back the 20+ pounds I've worked so hard to lose since December.

With this seriously careful about food thinking in the forefront of my mind, I went grocery shopping today. I planned out dinner for us tonight: I'd do a stir-fry with some leeks I already had in the fridge and a yellow pepper, carrots, broccoli, bok-choy, ginger, garlic, lemon grass paste, tamari and lemon. I'd also fry up some firm tofu, and put it all over brown rice. Total experiment to see if the kids would even touch this health-fest of a dinner. I filled my shopping cart with lots of fresh veggies, fruit, turkey sausages, organic brown eggs, organic milk, about 8 different packages of frozen wild-caught different types of fish, flash frozen fruits and veggies, hummus, canola oil cooking spray, gluten free crackers, spinach sandwich wraps, among other necessities. Now don't get me wrong: I also had microwave-able spaghetti and meatballs for kids lunches, pasta, juice boxes, turkey lunch meat, a box of fruit loops, frozen waffles, frozen chicken pot pies, frozen white castle cheeseburgers which the kids love but I think smell like dog food, corn chips...
The one most noticeable thing absent from my cart today? Bread. My love. This will be tough to cut out, but I'm willing to give it a go.
While I was walking around, (ok, hobbling around in my boot) I became hyper-aware of other people shopping, and the contents of their carts. It's a really interesting study in humanity to observe people in grocery stores. Now I don't normally grocery shop in our local co-op, or whole foods, or sprout markets. Only occasionally will I splurge on a few items at those stores. They're just too damned expensive. So I do our normal grocery shopping at our local Smith's. The average people's store. Where most everyone has the same daily struggles: income, employment (or lack-there-of), balancing work and family time, weight issues, pain, depression, etc. Most people there today, were trying to balance costs of their purchases with coupons, or food stamps.
But here's what I found most disturbing: the uncanny abundance of severely obese people- people who ride on wheeled vehicles as walking has become too difficult. What I observed  with these people, most consistently, was the contents of their carts. Mostly all of them were filled with absolute crap: donuts, snack cakes, hot dogs, bread, beer... so much crap I had to stop looking. Sugar, processed foods, carbohydrates, fat, and more sugar. Almost no fruit or fresh vegetables or lean proteins, or even whole grains. Seriously horrifying. Sad, really. My thoughts were not as much judgemental, (who the hell am I to judge anyone), but perplexed. How is it that in a country where obesity and diabetes have reached epic proportions, is there seemingly so little education about the things we are filling our grocery carts with? Why are billions of dollars spent by the government getting health "reform" bills passed that government employees themselves don't want any part of, and no one is taking the time or making the effort to educate people about what to eat and not to eat? When did we become a country where billions of dollars are spent in the pursuit of "thin is beautiful" while those who are truly struggling with serious weight and health issues are not getting the support or education about the simplest of things: food. How many countless ailments are burdening our health care system due to the epidemic of obesity? Why are these people not making better choices? Again, don't get me wrong: I also struggle with my weight. Every day is a constant battle of choices and guilt. But I know what I SHOULD be eating and not eating. I know what I should be filling my shopping cart with. Why not others? Do they not know how make better choices? Do they simply not care? Is it less expensive to buy crap? (I refuse to believe this). Is it marketing?
I asked the gal at the check-out about it. Very diplomatically, she responded with, "I just try not to look. I've seen it all. Live and let live, to each their own I guess." Absolutely right.  Point well taken. Mind my own fucking business. But then she very quietly told me what she thought was the "real" problem. She told me that she sees so many people come into the store with thousands of dollars in welfare money- WIC checks, food stamps, etc. And they blow it all on crap. Serious crap.  She said she once saw a woman come through with a cart FILLED with candy. All paid for with government issued money. When she asked her if she was having some kind of party, the woman apparently responded with, "no- I'm sending it all to my mother in Mexico." Honestly, I didn't know what to say to that. Yes- who the hell am I to judge? But surely, we could be doing better than this!? There has to be better education about food and diet. There just has to be. But where to even begin?
BTW- the kids loved the dinner I made. Small triumphs.




Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Flew

Wow- this flu season hit our house hard. First it was Sophie- high fever, barfed a couple of times. The day she was fighting the fever, our thermometer was on the fritz (I found out later) so I was getting readings of 103.4, one hour after I had given her Tylenol. This is when I tossed both kids into the car - on New Year's Eve, mind you, and drove downtown to the Pediatric ER. They took her vitals right away and, voila! No fever. Of course. I don't look like the crazy paranoid mom, or anything, do I!? The nurse actually told me, "well, you can wait if you'd like, but if I were you, I'd go home." Which we did. By the next day, she was doing better, but was developing a nice juicy cough. Then Alex got hit. And he got hit hard. High fever again, and terrible cough. Sophie was well enough to be back at school, but Alex stayed home. Much to Sophie's chagrin. On the way home from picking her up, the first day back after winter break, Alex started coughing in the car and choking on whatever he was coughing up, he couldn't catch his breath and started turning blue. Luckily, we were turning right in front of  where an urgent care office was- I whisked him right in. He was able to catch his breath again, but not after causing me to completely freak. (Inside, of course. On the outside, I was all business so I didn't scare him or Sophie). The doctor there said, "It's the flu." And, "You're next." Right on both counts. I got hit the next day, complete with barfing. Because feeling like I had the worst sinus/ lung infection and fever wasn't fun enough. Barfing had to complete the picture. Oh yeah. Almost three weeks later, and I still have a bit of a residual cough. I guess having asthma just doesn't work well with this one. Of course, the cold temps here lately did not help matters one bit. But we're all on the mend! I got lectured about getting flu shots next year, but I must admit: I really think there's a lot to be said for having gotten sick and allowed our own bodies to form their own antibodies and fight it off on our own. When I was a kid, I remember getting sick quite a bit. You got sick, and stayed home for a few days from school. In bed, garbage can next to the bed for barf, lots of liquids and rest and that was it. There weren't flu shots back then, and I do not remember hearing about any deaths or weird strains of viruses no one could fight off on their own. I truly believe it's a bunch of hooey and hype from pharmaceutical companies in order to market and sell product. Those flu shots don't do shit for me. Every year I've gotten one, I've gotten sick anyway. In fact, every year I've gotten one, I've been plagued with one sinus infection after another. I did not get a flu shot this year, and I got the flu. Big deal. I got over it. But so far, not ONE sinus infection. Which is pretty miraculous for me. As for the kids- got them flu shots in the past, and they've both gotten sick anyway. No flu shot this year, and they were sick. And they got over it. On their own.
And so- I ask you: to flu shot, or not to flu shot? What's your opinion?

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

RAS-Putin

Russia, Russia, Russia!! (To be screeched in your best Jan Brady whining tone)
Today, I read on the PAIL Bloggers guest post that President Putin has officially banned all adoptions from Russia to the USA. Including any that are in process. Apparently, the new law "is part of larger legislation by Putin-allied lawmakers retaliating against a recently signed U.S. law that calls for sanctions against Russians deemed to be human rights violators," according to the story in the Huffington Post. I'm so saddened by this- and truly disgusted. I'm sickened that a twisted politician would "retaliate" in any way to another country in the first place (yes, I know this happens all the time) but to use innocent children as pawns in a spoiled brat reaction is really gross. Because, who is Putin really punishing? The USA? Adoptive families in the USA? Or the needy and family-less children in his own backyard? Is he going to personally insure that all of these children will be well taken care of? Well fed, clothed, kept warm, educated, loved? I seriously doubt it. I suspect he will simply turn his back on them-because, really, wasn't the whole point of this law just to "get back" at the U.S.? Who gives a shit about the children- "fuck those Americans and their adoptions, we're going to keep all our little Russian children here in their own country. THAT'LL show THEM." <raspberry>   Where they can spend the rest of their lives stuck in an institutional, bureaucratic system instead of in loving homes with families and parents.
Here's the response to the post that I wrote this afternoon...
Oh this saddens me so much!! My great friend and former roommate has adopted twice from Russia. Her girls are so beautiful and happy- they are a marvelous little family. When we were in the midst of our own IF drama, we briefly explored Russian adoption. We found that both the wait and the expense were going to be too much for us- particularly as we were already, by that time, considered “older” parents. I was so dismayed at the condition of some of the orphanages – babies with flattened backs of their heads, who were being put down in their cribs all day long on their backs with no changes or stimulation, delayed learning from lack of stimulation, potty training by being sat down on buckets or potties for hours on end. Really horrifying. I don’t know how much of these tales were factual and how much were exaggeration or even fabrication. What I did know, is that there were far too many children in need of good homes and not enough families in their own countries adopting. I also knew that the majority of these children were the products of drug addicted parents, and struggled with withdrawal symptoms, emotional issues or severe learning/ social drawbacks. All very challenging stuff for any family, made even more so by the added stresses of adoption, and international adoption at that. It broke my heart and I did not think we had the fortitude for such stresses. Selfish sounding, I know. But I knew our limitations. Obviously the woman who sent her child back on an airplane had underestimated her own limitations, which is tragic. I wonder how common that underestimation actually is? I know there are so many deserving families out there who desperately want children through adoption- and how many of them end up facing problems they never could have imagined? I also wonder if the sharp drop in international adoption rates coincides with a rise in infertility treatments and successes here? Could it be that all of those families who were historically adopting are now having greater success conceiving their own children? Has science made such great strides with infertility treatments that adoption itself is becoming a “thing of the past” for those who cannot find success with IF treatments? I really hope not. There must be many many families out there who choose adoption for the sake of wanting to adopt- period. I think of adoption as something truly beautiful and noble. I have often thought about our own decision against it, and for moving forward with a gestational carrier so we were able to have “our own” children. I have guilt about this. I sometimes still consider adopting- though by now we really are much older parents! (And really couldn’t afford it) If I were to pursue adoption now, it would definitely have been through Russia. It breaks my heart to know that petty, political backstabbing will hinder this process when so very many will suffer. And who will suffer most from this decision? Innocent children in need of loving homes. I hope Russia is prepared to find more (desperately needed) funding to support the ever growing (now even more so) population of these children, and to keep the orphanages already so underfunded, running, staffed, and stocked? If they won’t accept American parents, will they accept American dollars to at least try to provide better environments for the growing number of institutionalized minors? One can only hope.
Has anyone else noticed President Putin's name being the last part of RASPUTIN!? Hmmmm... makes me wonder....  Maybe he really DIDN'T ever die!? Evil fucker.


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Let Go

I've been more than absent from this blog for the past couple of weeks. Holiday busyness, late nights and somewhat of a writer's block have kept me away from writing anything new here- and for this I apologize! Not just to you, dear reader, but to myself. I apologize for not being able to carve out even a few minutes of my days or nights, to write. I apologize for whatever lack of motivation has kept me away. Mostly, I think, I have simply felt shell-shocked. The Newtown school shootings and my subsequent harsh post, have left me reeling. How can my own small story, or daily rantings possibly be of any interest when families are suffering the loss of precious babies? Why does my own shock and sadness about it even matter? What can I possibly do to help change or improve such a complicated and huge issue as gun control, or mental illness? How could I help those grieving families cope with their losses? The truth: I can't. I hate that. I'm a "fixer." My natural inclination is to want to try to fix things for people- make something better, more tolerable, more pleasant, easier. Ease others' burdens in some way. It's very hard for me to think that I'm somehow powerless. This tragedy has left me feeling exactly that. And I don't like it at all.
I think that this gets at the very heart of infertility. It's something that I am powerless against. It's something I cannot fix, or make more pleasant for anyone, or control. (Hello- Type A personality!) That's a serious emotional challenge: letting go. With the advent of the New Year, my own personal challenge and a challenge for all, would be exactly that- Letting Go. Letting go of past pain and jealousy and anger. Letting go of my own feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, negativity. Letting go of my ideals about possible futures that will never happen and embracing the reality of the ones that can and will. Letting go of expectations- realistic and un. Letting go of fear. I have to say that again: LETTING GO OF FEAR!!
Here's to hoping that 2013 brings new opportunities for greatness and fearlessness. And here's to hoping that 2013 is the year I finally shed the weight (literally and figuratively) of infertility and LET GO.
Peace. Love. Out.