Flew

Wow- this flu season hit our house hard. First it was Sophie- high fever, barfed a couple of times. The day she was fighting the fever, our thermometer was on the fritz (I found out later) so I was getting readings of 103.4, one hour after I had given her Tylenol. This is when I tossed both kids into the car - on New Year's Eve, mind you, and drove downtown to the Pediatric ER. They took her vitals right away and, voila! No fever. Of course. I don't look like the crazy paranoid mom, or anything, do I!? The nurse actually told me, "well, you can wait if you'd like, but if I were you, I'd go home." Which we did. By the next day, she was doing better, but was developing a nice juicy cough. Then Alex got hit. And he got hit hard. High fever again, and terrible cough. Sophie was well enough to be back at school, but Alex stayed home. Much to Sophie's chagrin. On the way home from picking her up, the first day back after winter break, Alex started coughing in the car and choking on whatever he was coughing up, he couldn't catch his breath and started turning blue. Luckily, we were turning right in front of  where an urgent care office was- I whisked him right in. He was able to catch his breath again, but not after causing me to completely freak. (Inside, of course. On the outside, I was all business so I didn't scare him or Sophie). The doctor there said, "It's the flu." And, "You're next." Right on both counts. I got hit the next day, complete with barfing. Because feeling like I had the worst sinus/ lung infection and fever wasn't fun enough. Barfing had to complete the picture. Oh yeah. Almost three weeks later, and I still have a bit of a residual cough. I guess having asthma just doesn't work well with this one. Of course, the cold temps here lately did not help matters one bit. But we're all on the mend! I got lectured about getting flu shots next year, but I must admit: I really think there's a lot to be said for having gotten sick and allowed our own bodies to form their own antibodies and fight it off on our own. When I was a kid, I remember getting sick quite a bit. You got sick, and stayed home for a few days from school. In bed, garbage can next to the bed for barf, lots of liquids and rest and that was it. There weren't flu shots back then, and I do not remember hearing about any deaths or weird strains of viruses no one could fight off on their own. I truly believe it's a bunch of hooey and hype from pharmaceutical companies in order to market and sell product. Those flu shots don't do shit for me. Every year I've gotten one, I've gotten sick anyway. In fact, every year I've gotten one, I've been plagued with one sinus infection after another. I did not get a flu shot this year, and I got the flu. Big deal. I got over it. But so far, not ONE sinus infection. Which is pretty miraculous for me. As for the kids- got them flu shots in the past, and they've both gotten sick anyway. No flu shot this year, and they were sick. And they got over it. On their own.
And so- I ask you: to flu shot, or not to flu shot? What's your opinion?

RAS-Putin

Russia, Russia, Russia!! (To be screeched in your best Jan Brady whining tone)
Today, I read on the PAIL Bloggers guest post that President Putin has officially banned all adoptions from Russia to the USA. Including any that are in process. Apparently, the new law "is part of larger legislation by Putin-allied lawmakers retaliating against a recently signed U.S. law that calls for sanctions against Russians deemed to be human rights violators," according to the story in the Huffington Post. I'm so saddened by this- and truly disgusted. I'm sickened that a twisted politician would "retaliate" in any way to another country in the first place (yes, I know this happens all the time) but to use innocent children as pawns in a spoiled brat reaction is really gross. Because, who is Putin really punishing? The USA? Adoptive families in the USA? Or the needy and family-less children in his own backyard? Is he going to personally insure that all of these children will be well taken care of? Well fed, clothed, kept warm, educated, loved? I seriously doubt it. I suspect he will simply turn his back on them-because, really, wasn't the whole point of this law just to "get back" at the U.S.? Who gives a shit about the children- "fuck those Americans and their adoptions, we're going to keep all our little Russian children here in their own country. THAT'LL show THEM." <raspberry>   Where they can spend the rest of their lives stuck in an institutional, bureaucratic system instead of in loving homes with families and parents.
Here's the response to the post that I wrote this afternoon...
Oh this saddens me so much!! My great friend and former roommate has adopted twice from Russia. Her girls are so beautiful and happy- they are a marvelous little family. When we were in the midst of our own IF drama, we briefly explored Russian adoption. We found that both the wait and the expense were going to be too much for us- particularly as we were already, by that time, considered “older” parents. I was so dismayed at the condition of some of the orphanages – babies with flattened backs of their heads, who were being put down in their cribs all day long on their backs with no changes or stimulation, delayed learning from lack of stimulation, potty training by being sat down on buckets or potties for hours on end. Really horrifying. I don’t know how much of these tales were factual and how much were exaggeration or even fabrication. What I did know, is that there were far too many children in need of good homes and not enough families in their own countries adopting. I also knew that the majority of these children were the products of drug addicted parents, and struggled with withdrawal symptoms, emotional issues or severe learning/ social drawbacks. All very challenging stuff for any family, made even more so by the added stresses of adoption, and international adoption at that. It broke my heart and I did not think we had the fortitude for such stresses. Selfish sounding, I know. But I knew our limitations. Obviously the woman who sent her child back on an airplane had underestimated her own limitations, which is tragic. I wonder how common that underestimation actually is? I know there are so many deserving families out there who desperately want children through adoption- and how many of them end up facing problems they never could have imagined? I also wonder if the sharp drop in international adoption rates coincides with a rise in infertility treatments and successes here? Could it be that all of those families who were historically adopting are now having greater success conceiving their own children? Has science made such great strides with infertility treatments that adoption itself is becoming a “thing of the past” for those who cannot find success with IF treatments? I really hope not. There must be many many families out there who choose adoption for the sake of wanting to adopt- period. I think of adoption as something truly beautiful and noble. I have often thought about our own decision against it, and for moving forward with a gestational carrier so we were able to have “our own” children. I have guilt about this. I sometimes still consider adopting- though by now we really are much older parents! (And really couldn’t afford it) If I were to pursue adoption now, it would definitely have been through Russia. It breaks my heart to know that petty, political backstabbing will hinder this process when so very many will suffer. And who will suffer most from this decision? Innocent children in need of loving homes. I hope Russia is prepared to find more (desperately needed) funding to support the ever growing (now even more so) population of these children, and to keep the orphanages already so underfunded, running, staffed, and stocked? If they won’t accept American parents, will they accept American dollars to at least try to provide better environments for the growing number of institutionalized minors? One can only hope.
Has anyone else noticed President Putin's name being the last part of RASPUTIN!? Hmmmm... makes me wonder....  Maybe he really DIDN'T ever die!? Evil fucker.

Let Go

I've been more than absent from this blog for the past couple of weeks. Holiday busyness, late nights and somewhat of a writer's block have kept me away from writing anything new here- and for this I apologize! Not just to you, dear reader, but to myself. I apologize for not being able to carve out even a few minutes of my days or nights, to write. I apologize for whatever lack of motivation has kept me away. Mostly, I think, I have simply felt shell-shocked. The Newtown school shootings and my subsequent harsh post, have left me reeling. How can my own small story, or daily rantings possibly be of any interest when families are suffering the loss of precious babies? Why does my own shock and sadness about it even matter? What can I possibly do to help change or improve such a complicated and huge issue as gun control, or mental illness? How could I help those grieving families cope with their losses? The truth: I can't. I hate that. I'm a "fixer." My natural inclination is to want to try to fix things for people- make something better, more tolerable, more pleasant, easier. Ease others' burdens in some way. It's very hard for me to think that I'm somehow powerless. This tragedy has left me feeling exactly that. And I don't like it at all.
I think that this gets at the very heart of infertility. It's something that I am powerless against. It's something I cannot fix, or make more pleasant for anyone, or control. (Hello- Type A personality!) That's a serious emotional challenge: letting go. With the advent of the New Year, my own personal challenge and a challenge for all, would be exactly that- Letting Go. Letting go of past pain and jealousy and anger. Letting go of my own feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, negativity. Letting go of my ideals about possible futures that will never happen and embracing the reality of the ones that can and will. Letting go of expectations- realistic and un. Letting go of fear. I have to say that again: LETTING GO OF FEAR!!
Here's to hoping that 2013 brings new opportunities for greatness and fearlessness. And here's to hoping that 2013 is the year I finally shed the weight (literally and figuratively) of infertility and LET GO.
Peace. Love. Out.