August: Dog Days of Summer

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Tar- Jay

I'm done. And I do mean done. Chanukah, Christmas, Birthdays; kids, other family, stockings- done.
Thanks to the magic of Target, I was able to complete the madness today, and I must admit *bows head shamefully* that once again, I've overdone it. I swore- like I do every year, that I wouldn't. But I did. Oh well. I'll put "Santa" on most of the tags. Blame the fat man in the red suit for the spoiling! Haha! I WILL, however, make sure we do a major clean-out before anything new comes into the house. Damnit.
I was so amused while I walked around the red-bullseye this morning- bleary-eyed and overwhelmed, clutching my Starbuck's cup like it was filled with the most precious nectar of life. Which it was, of course. I was amused because I was surrounded by, and repeatedly bumped into other bleary-eyed, overwhelmed moms clutching lists in one hand, Starbuck's cups in the other. We all looked as if we'd just been released from the same work-camp; Tired, harassed, eyes glazed over with the sheer over-indulgence of it all. Clutching our coffee like it was heroin. And the toys- my G-D some of the shit being sold is outrageous! I've said it before: Can't my kids please just be 5 for a minute, before they know everything about everything in the world!? It was really shockingly difficult to find things for them that weren't either for babies, or somehow electronic, way too mature, just plain weird, or completely in-appropriate. Here are some of these gems, for your enjoyment....
"Election 2012 Barbie"  Oh this one kills me. Look closely. It says "The White House Project" in the upper left hand corner. Is this a new project to put a Barbie in every office in the White House? Is it something the incumbent administration will be implementing in order to restore a few minutes of playtime into every working day? What does this mean? And what is UP with the Secret-Service dog behind her, complete with its own sunglasses and ear-piece!? WTF!? The front of the podium reads, "Stands on her own" Does this mean she can literally stand up in her minnie-mouse high heeled feet, without the aid of that podium? Or does it mean that she stands on her own- as in, she doesn't answer to anyone or anything. Is this a new political party she's forming? Note the button: President B party. The Barbie-party: we stand for fashionable outfits which always include some pink, nice pearls, big boobs, long legs, and no genitalia. Rock the vote.
Will someone please, for the love of all that's holy, tell me what the hell the deal is with the zombie/ monster obsession? These are from a collection called "Monster High"- Monster high school? Monsters getting high? What? This one is particularly horrifying. It's a "build your own monster" pack. Complete with severed heads, dismembered body parts, come-f-me heels, and detached hands and ears. But only ONE wig.

This one is called Threaderella. She's quite fashionable. Note that one hand is not attached. And how does she WALK in those whore shoes!?
OK. I do not have a tween yet. I don't know who Cody Simpson is. I can only assume he's some tween-popular pop star. Sophie did say to me, to my complete horror the other day, that she's a big fan of Justin "Beaver." I nearly shat myself. When has she EVER heard any of his music? Do I correct her, or do I let her go on calling him a beaver? *Giggle.* I said beaver. Here's the new singing Cody Simpson doll- stick your finger through the hole in the packaging and poke him in the penis to hear him sing!
What. The f-k. Is this? Designer clothing for Barbie. Because these high-brow fashion houses have nothing better to do than to design crap for 9 inch dolls? Oh. Wait. I guess they're really just about the same size as the stuff that's being designed for real-life emaciated waifs. Just a bit shorter. Hey- let's dress Barbie up for a night of clubbing and make sure she looks hot enough to get laid!  Look- she's got some CFM heels, and a small silver handbag- comes with a tiny glass vial filled with white powder, a miniature mirror and a teensy rolled up dollar bill to complete the party!

Meet Bonebasher Bane. With bashing action. Is it just me, or does this guy vaguely resemble one of the Village People? He looks like he just stepped off the set of Pulp Fiction- wearing his leathers and his silencing face mask. Excuse me, but is that a big green dildo on the left? Try me. Squeeze my legs.

This one is a "Brawlin' Buddy." It's a stuffed plush. When I think of a stuffed plush toy, I think of something my kid is going to snuggle up with in bed. Is this what you want your sweet child to be squeezing in his bed when he sleeps?  And he talks. What does he say? I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm from Chicago. I just thought this one was really cool. But where's Hester? He's the one I'd really want.

Again, with the zombies!? What ARE these things!?

This is the ugliest thing I've ever seen. It's Ren. From Ren and Stimpy. Are these guys actually still around!?

Aaaaaand. Here's the Chanukah section. It's about one-eighth of a row. Tucked neatly into the very back corner of the store. Poor little Jewish kids. Let's make sure they feel even MORE different and isolated and forgotten during the HOlidays by sticking their sad little section into the furthest corner of the store. *sad clown face*

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